Ethical/Moral Dilemma: An ethical dilemma is a situation that will often involve an apparent conflict between moral imperatives, in which to obey one would result in transgressing another. I am convinced that all dilemmas have roots in Fear of something or the other.
Background: I'd like to consider myself as a honest, straight talker on most occasions. Like most people, I do not wish to court controversy but would not hesitate letting people know of my point of view, if necessary. I believe I can learn lessons in tact from people at work, amongst others.
Situation: In the past 6 months, there have been at least 3 situations when close friends have walked up to me for personal advice in matters of grave concern to them. The details of those conversations are beyond the scope of this blog, but let's just say that their situations dealt with complex moral, ethical and behavioral dilemmas which needed to be dealt with extreme care.
Thought: I wonder what is one's line of thought on hearing something like - "I trust your judgment in this". The crucial word is judgment. Do you step in to advice giving mode where you pretend to be the know-all demagogue who can effect impressions and hence sway the final decision/act? Or do you lay out what you would do if ever caught in such a situation?
The Trap: Every human being has a bias - no matter how hard we try, we still process information through our world view/mind filter. Hence, if I have to describe to a friend asking for advice as to how exactly I might act in a certain situation, it might still be unique to how I react to events (and not apply to him at all). Or should I process a certain situation in my world view and try presenting it in a manner rather appealing to the other person's world view (and hence makes it easier for him to understand). There is a small but realistic probability that such a (salient but natural) bias can make things worse for him.
My Traditional Approach: I have come to learn that every person is unique. No, hang on here - I really mean it when I say that. I also believe that the best way for a person to tackle a dilemma is to confront it, step carefully through each possibility and in the end, sticking to one alternative. My traditional way of answering 'I-trust-your-judgment' calls has been to lay out all the alternatives, ask the right questions and elicit a response from the person facing the situation. This can work under the assumption that by asking the right questions, one will get answers which are shaped by the world view of the person answering those questions. I might play the devils advocate at times to best bring out the rightful meaning of my questions, and hopefully, stimulate an intellectual thought (based on conflict) within the other person. Hence, since the situation might not have a binary answer, the moral/ethical dilemma of a person can be best answered (solved) by that person answering them for himself. He/she just needs to be asked the right questions in a simple and uncomplicated manner.
The Bucket of Shit: I got a lot of flak for sticking to my traditional approach. The feedback ranged anywhere from - "If I knew all the answers, why would I ask you for your advice?" or "Tell me what you think and stop questioning me" to "I am brain dead. Just tell me what to do" and "I know the answer to this - I just need someone to give me a tight slap and bring me on track!".
Me vs. Myself: I think its a great honor and responsibility for anyone to be a private advisor to people in need (of exactly what - Advise? Plain talk? Holding hands? It might vary from case to case). However, with the responsibility, comes the grave risk of losing credibility if one is not careful handling delicate, ever-ready-to-flow emotions. At times, our minds might act us - the left (logical/reasoning) part of the brain comes up with brilliant excuses to firewall ideas against anything remotely against what the right part of the brain (intuition) wants us to do. e.g.: Ever had a conversation with someone torn between the the lap dance in a gentleman's club (his eyes and right part of the brain gang up) against the possibility of losing his girlfriend if she gets to know of it (the left part of the brain fighting it out stitching excuses based on HIS morals and values)? He knows the right thing (defined by the left part of the brain). However, he wants someone to stop him (for good? Its debatable..).
My Dilemma: I don't know how best to handle some of these situations without putting my relationships with people at risk. In certain conversations people have asked me to be judgmental, if that's what it takes for me to give them clear cut advice/show them a way/wake them up from their sleep (you get the point! :-)). However much I have wanted to give the best advice possible, I have mostly left people upset. Upset, not with me, but having to face a conflict. I lost a great friend of mine while sharing MY judgmental point of view on her changing boyfriends. I said this to another good friend today - "It will be a shame if you do not achieve what you really can. You want to get in to a top 10 B-school, but let me tell you, you're not ready for it. You're losing focus of the overall picture". Ok, he did pester me to be candid but I think the talk left him sad. My problem is - some people want me to spell out the Truth to them but that Truth is inevitably bitter. If the Truth is sweet, there is no conflict/dilemma and hence need for me to come in to the picture. But is it worth it to tell someone the Truth (after being convinced that is the best option for them) and risking rebuke? Is doing good (in one's mind) for a friend at the expense of losing him/her worth it?
A Possible Solution?: I think striking a balance between the traditioal approach of asking the right questions and spelling out the judgmental/bitter Truth is crucial. As I said, I still need to learn tact (amongst a tonne of other things). Sometimes there is just no better cure than a bitter pill of Truth thrown at you!
I'd love to hear the approaches people take when they sit on my side of the table...
