The Conversation Killers

Once I was late by 30 minutes picking her up, it was mostly downhill from there last afternoon. Driving through an unknown part of town, I had little clue on how to get back to Rt. 66W from her place. And for the next 40 minutes, I drove her through Northern Virginia into DC and back to VA - trying hard not to sound like a confused Robin Williams from the movie RV.

After gulping the chilled lemonade at TGIF (and yes, it was a Friday!), I realized that I was constantly repeating a cliched line of mine -

"So what else?"

SO WHAT ELSE?? Dude, what was I thinking? I had not even broken the ice properly and I kept on asking the same question repeatedly just to make up for my surprisingly bad road sense. And she kept on telling me -

"What 'what else'? Its not that I am telling you a story or something..."

Oh gosh! And this probably set the tone for what was to follow later. I learnt that bad conversations usually have two essential ingredients - baits and CKs. Baits are the starting sentences- small querries, stupid observations or just out of the blue words blurted out in the hope of kicking off a meaningful conversation. CKs or Conversation Killers, are either used to signify complete lack of interest or are inadvertent blurbs which throw the other person off.

Somehow, CKs were a favorite in our post lunch talk. I thought it would be pretty interesting to list my top 5 from yesterday just so that I am careful of not falling for them in the future:

1. "Yep!" - note the exclamation. This goes with a question or a statement and is doubly effective if you said it, drank a sip of water/coffee and looked away.

Me: "Hey, so California must have been a lot of fun during the internship, right?"
She: "Yep!"
Me: (Thinking..umm....ok? Do I get some details or what?...umm..Oh God, that was her answer?...damn, say something intelligent...fast!)

2. "Nope!" - it works on the same principal as the 'Yep' - however, one has to be careful using this since it has the power to create mighty confusion.

Me: "So, I think money is not all that important. I mean, people are my real strength. Don't you agree?"
She: "Nope!"
Me: (Thinking again...What? You crazy #$%@* - do you mean I have issues with what I believe in?)

3. The Smile - This one's the deadliest. You don't commit and leave the other person confused with 6 seconds of silence and a smile.

Me: "So do you usually do most of the listening or is it just me who is doing all the talking today?"
She: (Smiles)
Me: "Ok, I really do not understand sign language but I guess that's asking me to shut up"
She: (Smiles)
Me: (Tearing my hair apart - well, whatever is left of it :-))

4. "WTF": This one happened to me at 5:30 AM in the morning.

Me: How many boyfriends have you had?
She: WTF?

5. A Badly worded Question: Never, ever do it to a person you don't know very well.

Me: "So what do you think of most girls wanting to have a nice figure."
She: (Gives that weird look and probably thinking where this question was coming from) "I think its a personal choice - nothing wrong with that"

How it came off: A sexist guy like me is asking why women are always so obsessed with their looks?
What I really meant: Guys rank girls on the basis of their figure and looks which adds unnecessary pressure on them to diet. Do you have any thoughts on this?

6. The Loud Thinking - Always do the thinking in your mind and never with the tongue.

Me: (In a little disgusted tone) "How many boyfriends have you had until now, eh?"
She: "None"
Me: "It shows!!"

The last one was the Giant CK. I tried passing it off lightly but she wanted to be dropped home - right then. On the way back, she did ask what I meant by what I said last- I had no good answers for her. We decided to get together for a meal next weekend in another city. If after reading this she's up to it, I'd consider myself lucky. If not, oh well...atleast I came up with a new term - CK - and yes, it not related to fashion!

Swatantrata Diwas 2008

The Occasion: India's 61st Independence Day, August 15 2008.
The Location: Residence of the Indian Ambassador to The U.S., Washington DC
The People: Two room mates.
The Time: 09:30 AM
The Clothes: Designer Kurtas from Fab India, New Delhi.
The Stomach: Empty - probably making grudging noises ready for churning something, anything!
The Heart and Mind: Full of Indian pride; effervescent with patriotic songs.
The Bladder: Full; given the 100 minute commute from Fairfax, VA.



Ambassador Ronen Sen's official residence shares the boundary with the Washington DC Zoo - hardly a surprise given how Indians were looked at during the cold war era (Read here how Nixon and Kissinger viewed the Iron lady of the subcontinent). The building is less than impressive given how much India's relations have improved with the only existing Super Power. However, Indians being Indians (whatever that means), there was hardly any security around. The guards greeted us with folded hands and just asked for our IDs (not bothering to check if my bag had C4 explosives). I thought we were early for the 10 AM ceremony, but to our surprise, the place was humming with close to a 100 people.


After getting in line to use the only bathroom for a crown of 250+ people, my room mate and I found the first available seats. The crowd was full of Indians from all over, however, the occasional V-desi could be spotted from time to time. 10 minutes before the national anthem was to begin, people started crowding and blocked our view of the chief guest. This was the view from seat - a lot of buttocks staring unashamedly at me while I tried singing Jana Gana Mana with full concentration.


The National Anthem done, the stomach took over from the mind and the heart. Somehow, I had come with the anticipation of getting good Indian food - they would have Samosas at least, I had told myself. To my disappointment, they served fluids which would only make the bladder work on the way back. No, thank you!

This kid was more than excited about getting a flag and riding on top of his dad's shoulders. I must say her mother did do a fantastic job of wearing a crisp green saree. I am guessing the American to be someone who "needs to show his face" for the event as part of his job profile.

I chatted briefly with another US citizen who happened to be an US Navy officer. He kept looking at his watch with an impatient, disgusted look from time to time and was visibly not happy being where he was that morning.

"I am the liaison between the Indian navy and the US navy - so I had to be here .... Why are these people standing in front? Why can't there be better crowd management? ..... You know, India has more bureaucracy than the US and I was surprised to find that out after working in Washington for years - there is really a lack of good brains at the right levels there".

As I thought about what he said, I asked him if he meant that the "lack of good brains at the right level" referred to the Indian Navy buying most of the weapons from Russia and not from the US. He looked at me, raised an eyebrow and smiled.

"I like India and I am going there in November. Do you understand the song they are singing right now?"

I did not press the issue.


Aha, I had never seen anything like this before. This poor chap was holding the flag for a good 45 minutes (and maybe more) since it did not occur to anyone that the flag could be unfurled at the top rather than being hoisted from the ground (the way its done in most parts of India and certainly how its done on the Red Fort). One reason I conjured up on the fly: Its probably the way we generate employment.


As the singers dressed in vivid colored clothing sang various nationalistic songs, I hung around until Saare Jahan se Achcha came around. On my way back, I wondered if I really meant what I was singing but I do certainly hope that the optimism of poet Iqbal comes true some day...soon!

Amen to that. And Jai Hind.