Ethical/Moral Dilemma: An ethical dilemma is a situation that will often involve an apparent conflict between moral imperatives, in which to obey one would result in transgressing another. I am convinced that all dilemmas have roots in Fear of something or the other.
Background: I'd like to consider myself as a honest, straight talker on most occasions. Like most people, I do not wish to court controversy but would not hesitate letting people know of my point of view, if necessary. I believe I can learn lessons in tact from people at work, amongst others.
Situation: In the past 6 months, there have been at least 3 situations when close friends have walked up to me for personal advice in matters of grave concern to them. The details of those conversations are beyond the scope of this blog, but let's just say that their situations dealt with complex moral, ethical and behavioral dilemmas which needed to be dealt with extreme care.
Thought: I wonder what is one's line of thought on hearing something like - "I trust your judgment in this". The crucial word is judgment. Do you step in to advice giving mode where you pretend to be the know-all demagogue who can effect impressions and hence sway the final decision/act? Or do you lay out what you would do if ever caught in such a situation?
The Trap: Every human being has a bias - no matter how hard we try, we still process information through our world view/mind filter. Hence, if I have to describe to a friend asking for advice as to how exactly I might act in a certain situation, it might still be unique to how I react to events (and not apply to him at all). Or should I process a certain situation in my world view and try presenting it in a manner rather appealing to the other person's world view (and hence makes it easier for him to understand). There is a small but realistic probability that such a (salient but natural) bias can make things worse for him.
My Traditional Approach: I have come to learn that every person is unique. No, hang on here - I really mean it when I say that. I also believe that the best way for a person to tackle a dilemma is to confront it, step carefully through each possibility and in the end, sticking to one alternative. My traditional way of answering 'I-trust-your-judgment' calls has been to lay out all the alternatives, ask the right questions and elicit a response from the person facing the situation. This can work under the assumption that by asking the right questions, one will get answers which are shaped by the world view of the person answering those questions. I might play the devils advocate at times to best bring out the rightful meaning of my questions, and hopefully, stimulate an intellectual thought (based on conflict) within the other person. Hence, since the situation might not have a binary answer, the moral/ethical dilemma of a person can be best answered (solved) by that person answering them for himself. He/she just needs to be asked the right questions in a simple and uncomplicated manner.
The Bucket of Shit: I got a lot of flak for sticking to my traditional approach. The feedback ranged anywhere from - "If I knew all the answers, why would I ask you for your advice?" or "Tell me what you think and stop questioning me" to "I am brain dead. Just tell me what to do" and "I know the answer to this - I just need someone to give me a tight slap and bring me on track!".
Me vs. Myself: I think its a great honor and responsibility for anyone to be a private advisor to people in need (of exactly what - Advise? Plain talk? Holding hands? It might vary from case to case). However, with the responsibility, comes the grave risk of losing credibility if one is not careful handling delicate, ever-ready-to-flow emotions. At times, our minds might act us - the left (logical/reasoning) part of the brain comes up with brilliant excuses to firewall ideas against anything remotely against what the right part of the brain (intuition) wants us to do. e.g.: Ever had a conversation with someone torn between the the lap dance in a gentleman's club (his eyes and right part of the brain gang up) against the possibility of losing his girlfriend if she gets to know of it (the left part of the brain fighting it out stitching excuses based on HIS morals and values)? He knows the right thing (defined by the left part of the brain). However, he wants someone to stop him (for good? Its debatable..).
My Dilemma: I don't know how best to handle some of these situations without putting my relationships with people at risk. In certain conversations people have asked me to be judgmental, if that's what it takes for me to give them clear cut advice/show them a way/wake them up from their sleep (you get the point! :-)). However much I have wanted to give the best advice possible, I have mostly left people upset. Upset, not with me, but having to face a conflict. I lost a great friend of mine while sharing MY judgmental point of view on her changing boyfriends. I said this to another good friend today - "It will be a shame if you do not achieve what you really can. You want to get in to a top 10 B-school, but let me tell you, you're not ready for it. You're losing focus of the overall picture". Ok, he did pester me to be candid but I think the talk left him sad. My problem is - some people want me to spell out the Truth to them but that Truth is inevitably bitter. If the Truth is sweet, there is no conflict/dilemma and hence need for me to come in to the picture. But is it worth it to tell someone the Truth (after being convinced that is the best option for them) and risking rebuke? Is doing good (in one's mind) for a friend at the expense of losing him/her worth it?
A Possible Solution?: I think striking a balance between the traditioal approach of asking the right questions and spelling out the judgmental/bitter Truth is crucial. As I said, I still need to learn tact (amongst a tonne of other things). Sometimes there is just no better cure than a bitter pill of Truth thrown at you!
I'd love to hear the approaches people take when they sit on my side of the table...
Sunday, December 7, 2008
How to Handle Moral Dilemmas?
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8 comments:
I have been in similar situations and of late I have come to the conclusion that when one asks for your opinion you say it as it is; but postpone it till the very last moment. The best thing is to put in facts from all angles and keep it in front of your friend, then ask questions and help him decide what he wants to do. One of the lines that can be used is "You know what you need to do but you actually don't want to do it."
And finally if you are left with no alternative then say what you have to say but prefix it with "I don't know what you will do but if I was in your place this is what I would have done ..... even if it seems difficult it is the best thing to do".
Very interesting read! I am surprised not many people have commented.. and i wonder why..
this is what i almost always do.. i NEVER decide for the person.. nopes.. not happening.. i lay down every single option in front of them.. try and reason with them about each.. help them prioritize.. and once the matrix is ready, leave it with them and move.. of course the matrix has everything they need to make a decision.. except for a set order of priorities..
interesting dilemma.. i don't think i can tell that to a person the way u did.. chances r i wud be like 'it wud be a shame if u dont get wat u really can. getting into a top mba school is tough and if one loses focus, impossible. Never lose ur focus and never be complacent. You are not there until you r there.' you know wat i mean? This way he may get an idea of what u kind of wanted to say but without being mean (and yes, candid is synonymous to it often), u can still get the message across to a smart person (which we all our :).
@Anonymous and Sid: So, I think both of you fell in to the same trap - both of you ASSUMED that someone is asking YOU for YOUR opinion. It might not be the case. Let me explain. Sometimes, the problem you might face might be like -'I don't know what I should do'. Now, how you interpret that question will determine your response. Do you think the other person is asking for your direct advice on what to do? Or do you think he is trying to brainstorm? Or is he asking you what YOU would have done if stuck in a particular situation. So, overall your suggestions are great! But they are just ONE of the many options (tools) you need to exercise in a precarious situation.
My first act is to let the other person do all the talking - that gives me a good understanding of what exactly the other person is wanting. However, as I mentioned, sometimes you just have to be a doc and force the medicine in to the person's mouth. From my experience, I think in the long run its appreciated.
Again, that's the whole dilemma, right - to do the surgery on the patient or not and if yes, how best to go about it! Does the patient end up hating you if you manage to save his life? No. But don't assume everyone's a doctor :)
A very interesting and thought-provoking post. When I am in similar situations, my first couple of questions are always "what do you think you want to do or feel like doing or what do you think is right and wrong ." I tend to avoid giving my opinions or advices or what I might do because I like to hear out the person and see how their thought process is working. This way not only me but they also get to hear themselves out too and they are better able to decide for themselves. My responsibility as a friend is to guide them in the right direction and not to make their decisions or influence them with any of my biases or views because to each its own. Frankly, one more reason is to make the person to do all the talking is so that I don't feel guilt in the end that I might have influenced their views in one way or other. And, if the person still pester you for your opinions or views on what would you do and what u think is right, then I usually say.."I don't know dear..this is something you would have to figure out yourself because I am not in your position, so all I can do is to hear you out and help you in whatever way I can but I just can't decide for you." At first they won't like hearing this, but they will get used to. In fact they will appreciate it later :-)
For once I would say, in some ways i know why you get into the point of losing the person you are advising..having known you for a while now..you do put it upfront to them, but may be not in the right way? It is definitely not necessary to tell a honest truth or a true scenario point blank to a person, who is obviously not thinking straight or has a clouded judegment, because, deep within, they know the truth, they just need a different perspective of it, and when you do say the truth or fact as it is, they get ticked off, may be? Anyways apart from the fact that I would not ever make a decision for a friend, I would always tell them one thing, what ever I might say and how ever I might say it, when the time comes, its their decision and ones they have made it, what ever it might be, stick to it. Sometimes its moral dilemma and sometimes ethical. I have had friends confide in me candid realities of their lives, which if out might otherwise destroy their lives..and they have asked if they were right or not..I have never said on their face, "no you were wrong", but I have always told them, what they would do if it was done to them by someone else, and in many ways, just that perspective has worked. Making someone realize that they wouldnt like on themselves what they are thinking of doing to others or just in general, clears a lot of thought..because in the end, one is ones own first love and no one will want to hurt that.
And I know a lot of people dont like sugar coating..but sometimes just sugar coating the truth in a way tht it doesnt hurt the person seeking advice, works magic!! And as for loosing friends, when people dont hear what they want to, they would want to blame things on someone else in just take it that when things clear out for them, they would come back to you...
Good luck!
interesting read,
but comments reserved.
life is a tumbler of problems for self and for others we are concerned about.
appreciate your thinking and thought mechanism.
Very tricky situation.... In my case, I try to put myself in the shoes of the person and give an honest opinion of all the options I would've considered and if I felt strongly about something, would've voiced it. I agree it's not the "way to go" since he/she may not even really be looking for advice and I shouldn't be trying to spoon-feed. Of course, besides giving my "advice" I also acknowledge the fact that just because "I" "think" I would have done something, doesn't mean it's right... and it's also a lot easier to give advice than actually do that very same thing when faced with the same situation... Plus as you correctly pointed out, every person is different and what may seem like a reasonable solution to an issue, may not necessarily resonate with the other person.
Hmm...Getting bored@work so came in to your blog and the read wasn't disappointing :-)
Considering age n virtues, most frenz come only for 2 kinds of advice:Girlfriend/Boyfriend issues and Career/Job. :-)
I usually try to understand their priorities first, and the root cause of the problem(s). Think about my prior experiences (fortunately or unfortunately, quite a bit in the former case) or imagine what I'd do in such a case, and also what should IDEALLY be done (this may/may nt differ).
Give them both, n see if either suits.
Every1 is "alag", but I dont get into tht as I feel if they're asking me, they should get MY opinion.
If its a close friend, I might shake him and be stern, if thats the need of the hour. If not, I jst give my opinion and move on.
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