The Story of Two Castles

The various objects that we see are impermanent. Because the various objects are all really the fundamental desire in us to see the impermanent things as permanent. This confusion between real and unreal is Maya.

I have a story to share.

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A little boy is on his knees, scooping and packing the sand with plastic shovels into a bright blue bucket. Then he upends the bucket on the surface and lifts it. And, to the delight of the little architect, a castle-tower is created. All afternoon he will work. Spooning out the moat. Packing the walls. Bottle tops will be sentries. Popsicle sticks will be bridges. A sandcastle will be built.

Elsewhere. A Big city. Busy streets. Rumbling traffic. A man is in his office. At his desk he shuffles papers into stacks and delegates assignments. He cradles the phone on his shoulder and punches the keyboard with his fingers. Numbers are juggled and contracts are signed and much to the delight of the man, a profit is made. All his life he will work. Formulating the plans. Forecasting the future. Annuities will be sentries. Capital gains will be bridges. An empire will be built.

Two builders of two castles. They have much in common. They shape granules into grandeurs. They see nothing and make something. They are diligent and determined. And for both the tide will rise and the end will come. Yet that is where the similarities cease. For the boy sees the end, while the man ignores it. Watch the boy as the dusk approa­ches. As the waves near, the wise child jumps to his feet and begins to clap. There is no sorrow. No fear. No regret. He knew this would happen. He is not surprised. And when the great breaker crashes into his castle and his masterpiece is sucked into the sea, he smiles. He smiles, picks up his tools takes his father's hand, and goes home.

The grown-up, however, is not so wise. As the wave of years collapses on his castle, he is terrified. He hovers over the sandy monument to protect it. He blocks the waves from the walls he has made. Salt-water soaked and shivering he snarls at the incoming tide. 'It's my castle,'
he defies. The ocean need not respond. Both know to whom the sand belongs. We, the grown-ups, don't know much about sand-castles. But children do.

Watch them and learn. Go ahead and build, but build with a child's heart. When the sun sets and the tides take -- applaud. Salute the process of life and go home.

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The story of the child, to an extent, reflects the story of my life in the US. And probably my tide is coming to wash away the castles of today...

What It Means If She Doesn't Call?

Lily: Why would Natalie hang up on you?
Ted: I don't know.
Barney: Did you sleep with her sister?
Ted: No.
Barney: Did you sleep with her mom?
Ted: No.
Barney: I'm losing interest in your story.

You're having one of those days when you're thinking about the last cool girl you met, how you two had a great time together, how you'd love to meet her again and how the universe is seemingly conspiring against you guys meeting again. She seemed truly interested, but then you never heard from her again. Why does this happen for so many men?

Here are my top 5 reasons why certain women might not want to call you:

1. She was Busy: However hard our analytical minds might not want to believe this, its actually a big reason why girls don't call back. However, watch out for the eternal 'Oh-I-am-so-busy-always' kind of girl - they will not find time to grab lunch with you even when you let them know two weeks in advance.
   
2. She was Just Being Polite: Ever exchanged numbers with someone who seems interested, gave you the right number but never returned those calls? Well, she was just being polite dude. Translation - she does not want to hook up and you gotta move on. A simple thumb rule is to never try to make contact too soon, and wait between the trials. If the girl does not respond after three genuine attempts, its her loss. Say that loud - ITS HER LOSS!
3. She was Confused and Needs Time: There might be instances when you meet her and have a great time but on other days, she is just PMS-ing (defined in #3 here) over text/phone/in person. It’s fine to casually ask in a playful way, “I’m curious since you’re kinda cute -- are you dating anyone interesting right now?” Invite honesty from women and you might get lucky. If you wait and wonder, you’ll end up wasting your own time and energy. Give her time, if she is still talking and meeting you, she is interested in you. Everyone is allowed mood swings but don't let yourself be the Intellectual Whore - you might not be destined for the second ladder with certain girls.
4. She's Lost Interest: She was interested in you at first, but something happened along the way to change her mind about you. In this case, maybe she sensed some anxiety from you that she didn’t know how to figure out or handle. Or maybe she sensed a bit of desperation (“You’re going to call me, right?”). Communicating either anxiousness or desperation early on before a woman knows you is a sure attraction-killer. Relax. If she’ll call she’ll call. If not, you know she wasn’t the right one at the right time.
5. She's Just a B**ch: Well, enough said. Maybe she was just looking for a fling, for a casual encounter that you misinterpreted as being something more than what it was in her mind. In either case, the saying Angoor Khatte Hain* applies and you're free to bitch and forget about her.
   

Or you could just take the 'don't call her again' approach like Barney: ""What? Saying sorry to her would involve talking to someone I've already had sex with - which frankly is like changing the oil in a rental car".

:-)

ps: Feel free to add any good point in the comments section.
*Angoor khatte hain

Literal – Grapes are sour.

Meaning – Denial of the desirability of something, after one has found out that it cannot be reached or acquired.

Weight Loss: Yes You Can!

Looking back at my previous struggles with weight loss, it is not difficult to understand why it took me 8 months more than my expected time period to lose weight. That is a long time! But losing 25 lbs is much easier than keeping it off - it needed a lifestyle change. Yesterday, as I stood on the weighing machine, it felt good to be back at the weight I was in May 2007.

158 lbs.

And I'd like to share some very minor changes in my lifestyle which DID WORK! Believe me, I am the last person who would give up on good food or not eat out. I still do eat out a lot, go to parties, eat a controlled amount of junk food but haven't gained weight in the past 300 days. I am writing only after being convinced that some of the points stated below DO ACTUALLY WORK!

1. Gimme My Life Back- Its the Mentality: Losing 25 lbs and keeping it off was never going to be easy. However, I did REALLY WANT to be healthy, proactive and lose that extra flab. I did not view losing weight as a punishing regime, rather a detox exercise to get back my good health. That's it - straight and simple - I dragged my body to the gym/court/playground and the mind followed.
   
2. Do Your Homework: I did a lot of background research and experimented with various exercise routines before settling in with what best suits me and my body. All of us are built differently with varying tolerance to exercise and physical stress. Talk to your body and determine where to draw the line. Read about a healthy and balanced diet and slowly replace meals with healthier options.
3. Don't Kill Yourself over the Math: I lost 87,500 extra calories over the past 11 months - that's a little over 2 lbs in a month (1 lb ~ 3500 cal). In the beginning it might sound great to lose weight quickly, however, the body has a natural and safe rate to lose it. Although I did get motivated seeing big numbers on the 'Calories burnt' counter, I quickly realized that I was burning myself out on occasions and never returned for long periods.
4. Enjoy the Routine, Talk about it and Reward Yourself: As I started to exercise regularly (3-4 times a week), I thought of it as fun and enjoyed the time as a major stress buster. I started making friends who themselves were trying to get healthy and we encouraged each other from time to time. I bought myself a pair of 32' jeans, 2 tight fitting party shirts amongst other items as incentives to keep the weight off. Nothing feels worse than buying expensive clothes and not being able to wear them coz of your size! :-)
5. Eat: This might sound illogical but I eat a lot after all my workouts. I make sure that I get plenty of saturated fats, proteins, fibre, carbs and vitamins. I am willing not to lose weight but cannot compromise on eating food - period.

Here's a time line with certain activities I involved myself with over the past year or so.

Evidently, unlike my previous attempts, I never relied on one activity to enjoy and hence never let it become a single point of failure. For example, I started running and training for a marathon in May. My knee popped. I was sad. I joined the Washington Cricket League and started playing a lot of cricket. The season ended. I was sad again. I found a racquetball partner until September (after which his semester as a Phd. student took over). I went to India in October. Ate a tonne there yet still lost weight. Why? No beer. Point noted - I removed beer as a means to quench my DAILY thirst. Come November, I did cardio in the gym alone. I was sad again coz I hate doing cardio alone. I found another racquetball partner in December through Craigslist. I haven't looked back since then. Point being - I never stopped completely.

If I can, so can you! Talk about it, set achievable goals and just do it. It feels great to be healthy again...

"I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff."

How to Handle Moral Dilemmas?

Ethical/Moral Dilemma: An ethical dilemma is a situation that will often involve an apparent conflict between moral imperatives, in which to obey one would result in transgressing another. I am convinced that all dilemmas have roots in Fear of something or the other.

Background: I'd like to consider myself as a honest, straight talker on most occasions. Like most people, I do not wish to court controversy but would not hesitate letting people know of my point of view, if necessary. I believe I can learn lessons in tact from people at work, amongst others.

Situation: In the past 6 months, there have been at least 3 situations when close friends have walked up to me for personal advice in matters of grave concern to them. The details of those conversations are beyond the scope of this blog, but let's just say that their situations dealt with complex moral, ethical and behavioral dilemmas which needed to be dealt with extreme care.

Thought: I wonder what is one's line of thought on hearing something like - "I trust your judgment in this". The crucial word is judgment. Do you step in to advice giving mode where you pretend to be the know-all demagogue who can effect impressions and hence sway the final decision/act? Or do you lay out what you would do if ever caught in such a situation?

The Trap: Every human being has a bias - no matter how hard we try, we still process information through our world view/mind filter. Hence, if I have to describe to a friend asking for advice as to how exactly I might act in a certain situation, it might still be unique to how I react to events (and not apply to him at all). Or should I process a certain situation in my world view and try presenting it in a manner rather appealing to the other person's world view (and hence makes it easier for him to understand). There is a small but realistic probability that such a (salient but natural) bias can make things worse for him.

My Traditional Approach: I have come to learn that every person is unique. No, hang on here - I really mean it when I say that. I also believe that the best way for a person to tackle a dilemma is to confront it, step carefully through each possibility and in the end, sticking to one alternative. My traditional way of answering 'I-trust-your-judgment' calls has been to lay out all the alternatives, ask the right questions and elicit a response from the person facing the situation. This can work under the assumption that by asking the right questions, one will get answers which are shaped by the world view of the person answering those questions. I might play the devils advocate at times to best bring out the rightful meaning of my questions, and hopefully, stimulate an intellectual thought (based on conflict) within the other person. Hence, since the situation might not have a binary answer, the moral/ethical dilemma of a person can be best answered (solved) by that person answering them for himself. He/she just needs to be asked the right questions in a simple and uncomplicated manner.

The Bucket of Shit: I got a lot of flak for sticking to my traditional approach. The feedback ranged anywhere from - "If I knew all the answers, why would I ask you for your advice?" or "Tell me what you think and stop questioning me" to "I am brain dead. Just tell me what to do" and "I know the answer to this - I just need someone to give me a tight slap and bring me on track!".

Me vs. Myself: I think its a great honor and responsibility for anyone to be a private advisor to people in need (of exactly what - Advise? Plain talk? Holding hands? It might vary from case to case). However, with the responsibility, comes the grave risk of losing credibility if one is not careful handling delicate, ever-ready-to-flow emotions. At times, our minds might act us - the left (logical/reasoning) part of the brain comes up with brilliant excuses to firewall ideas against anything remotely against what the right part of the brain (intuition) wants us to do. e.g.: Ever had a conversation with someone torn between the the lap dance in a gentleman's club (his eyes and right part of the brain gang up) against the possibility of losing his girlfriend if she gets to know of it (the left part of the brain fighting it out stitching excuses based on HIS morals and values)? He knows the right thing (defined by the left part of the brain). However, he wants someone to stop him (for good? Its debatable..).

My Dilemma: I don't know how best to handle some of these situations without putting my relationships with people at risk. In certain conversations people have asked me to be judgmental, if that's what it takes for me to give them clear cut advice/show them a way/wake them up from their sleep (you get the point! :-)). However much I have wanted to give the best advice possible, I have mostly left people upset. Upset, not with me, but having to face a conflict. I lost a great friend of mine while sharing MY judgmental point of view on her changing boyfriends. I said this to another good friend today - "It will be a shame if you do not achieve what you really can. You want to get in to a top 10 B-school, but let me tell you, you're not ready for it. You're losing focus of the overall picture". Ok, he did pester me to be candid but I think the talk left him sad. My problem is - some people want me to spell out the Truth to them but that Truth is inevitably bitter. If the Truth is sweet, there is no conflict/dilemma and hence need for me to come in to the picture. But is it worth it to tell someone the Truth (after being convinced that is the best option for them) and risking rebuke? Is doing good (in one's mind) for a friend at the expense of losing him/her worth it?

A Possible Solution?: I think striking a balance between the traditioal approach of asking the right questions and spelling out the judgmental/bitter Truth is crucial. As I said, I still need to learn tact (amongst a tonne of other things). Sometimes there is just no better cure than a bitter pill of Truth thrown at you!

I'd love to hear the approaches people take when they sit on my side of the table...

Enough is Enough - Mumbai Attacks

This is not the future of my country. Its not the time to forget, but the time to remind ourselves again and again that the nightmare is not over. This is not an incident that needs to be forgotten, but one that calls for the entire country to come together- Hindus and Muslims united - and ask the government for answers. WE DEMAND ANSWERS!! This is the result of a complete intelligence failure. Why are we paying taxes if even our basic need of security can not be met? How can 10 terrorists take Mumbai hostage? Why do brave men lose their lives in dozens, when such an act can be prevented. Stand up and speak out - DON'T LET IT PASS!! If we do, it will come back to haunt us again and our future generations. Fight Terrorism- DON'T SUCCUMB TO IT!!

Guest Article: Now or Never

My response to the Mumbai attacks on my blog has not been the fastest - part of the reason lies in the fact that it happened right when the Thanksgiving holidays started. However, the biggest reason is time it took for the enormity of the situation to sink in - I am still short of adjectives to summarize my feelings about the incident.

On Wednesday evening, I had decided that I will wait until the whole episode gets over to write on my blog. 60 hours later - by the time the Taj Mahal was finally flushed out of now infamous Sea Rats - I was looking to talk someone who was either involved in the incident or had gone to see ground zero himself. I spoke to a close friend from Mumbai for more than 2.5 hours this afternoon during the drive back from Pittsburgh. He reminded me how both of us had walked in front of both the Taj and the Oberoi at 4 AM while I was in the city in October. He had just returned from the candle light vigil in Mumbai, was disgusted with the politicians and the overall system's (lack of) response and of course, heartbroken to see his city's much talked about resilience taking a hit. Once back home, he scribbled some lines on his first blog entry ever (quoted below).

I just think that today this space belongs to the people of Mumbai and the rest of India, all the innocent people killed to terrorism, all the brave men who took the bullet to keep the rest of us safe and to the HOPE of people reading this article - HOPE that this too shall NOT pass and concrete action is taken to bring the merchants of death to justice.

Jai Hind.

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24 hours after the terror attack on Mumbai, while the people of this country have not yet fathomed the loss they have suffered, its really shameful to see that politicians have started playing the blame game. There is always time for politics and this is certainly not the time. These are tough times for everyone and we as a nation need to provide a united front and take actions to make sure that the people of this country never fall victim to such acts of evil. The common man already has many challenges and difficulties he needs to face and worrying about the safety of his loved ones is one thing he could do without. The people of this country want and deserve to walk its motherland without fear.

In the past 12 months the country has been a victim to more than 6 terror attacks. The questions everyone wants to ask the leaders of this nations are - Why have we been a victim of so many attacks? Why has nothing been done after the first few attacks, and many more? I know its too late to raise these questions and no matter what the answer is the present is not going to change but the answers are required so that we can move ahead with resolution. This is the time to investigate and learn from what has passed, make the right conclusions and implement the right system so that incidents like these never happen in the future and even if they do we are better equipped to tackle them quickly. I fear if we do not act now India is heading towards a certain doom.

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ps: I thought this article paints a decent picture of both the history and traditional greviances of Muslims in both undivided and divided India.

Our Politicians Fiddle as Innocents Die

Maharashtra Home Minister does a Sharukh Khan(who in DDLJ famously told Kajol "Arre Senorita, bade bade shehron mein choti choti baatein hoti rehti hai")

Farewell Kumble the Jumbo

Indian Diaries: Kullu Dussehra

Location: Kullu Valley, Himachal Pradesh, India

Date: Oct 9, 2008

Occasion: The Hindu festival of Dussehra

The famed week-long Kullu Dussehra is one of main festivals of Himachal Pradesh, which has maintained its unique identity over the years and is celebrated in an entirely different way. This festival is different in the sense that this commences when Dussehra festivities come to a close in the rest of the country. Another unique feature of the Kullu Dussehra is that it does not conclude with the burning of the effigies of demon-king, Ravana, his brother Kumbhkarana and son, Meghnath.

The Kullu valley is known as the ''Valley of Gods'' as on the occasion of the Dussehra here about 20 Gods and Goddesses of the valley converge at the venue of the celebrations here. The divine ambience gives a feeling of heaven on the earth. Dussehra at Kullu commences on the tenth day of the rising moon, on ''Vijay Dashmi'' itself and continues for seven days. The history of Kullu Dussehra dates back to the 17th century when the local king, Jagat Singh installed an idol of Raghunathji on his throne as a mark of penance. After this, Raghunathji came to be known as the ruling deity of the valley.

It is said besides the 20 Gods and Goddesses of the Kullu valley, a total of about 200 deities converge on Kullu for this unusual festival to pay homage to lord Raghunath. On the first day, the idol of Lord Raghunath saddled on a decorated chariot is pulled by ropes from its fixed place, that is a temple and taken to Dhalpur Grounds to mark the commencement of the Dussehra cerebrations. In attendance during the rope pulling ceremony are some of the other local deities 'seated' on colorful palanquins.

The locals here consider the pulling ceremony as very sacred. This ceremony gradually takes the shape of a procession as more and more worshippers join in to get their hands on the ropes to pull the diety. During the week-long celebrations, gods and goddesses are invoked and paraded around this town every morning and evening. The congregation of different deities in a unique feature of the Kullu Dussehra.

On the concluding day, the chariot of lord Raghunath is taken to the banks of the Beas river and in the deity’s presence a pile of wood and grass is set on fire, to symbolize the burning of Ravanas Lanka. Thereafter lord Raghunath is taken back to his temple and Dussehra festivities come to an end.

(Text source here)

War on Terror - Its Your War Too

India got bombed today - AGAIN. Multiple cities have been bombed with impunity in the past few weeks and the so called success against the Indian Mujaheddin in Delhi has not caused innocent lives to be saved. During my chat conversation with friends regarding bombings, the common refrain often is - 'What can you and I do sitting from here?' or 'Oh, thats sad. How is everything else?'.

How is everything else? Are you serious? People are getting bombed in my city and you're asking me how my weekend went? The more I think about it, the more disgusted I feel about how the cliched statement - 'In America, out of sight is out of mind'. But really, what can you and I do? My take on it is - we can prepare. Most of us cannot hunt terrorists but we can read and talk about it. We cannot be with the victims from so far but we can feel disgusted about it. We cannot convince everybody but we can try and build national consensus against terror.

Which brings us to the question - how long can we, the common man in India, continue to avoid the reality that the War on Terror is not for America to fight for us, that it is not for the our brave men and women in the armed forces to clean up, the fact that it is not too far away from home and for someone else to worry about. Quiet contrary, the civil society as we know it is under attack. The fact that innocent lives are being lost (including folks from the same religion as some of these bombers claim they are protecting) is of little concern to the killers.

However, the greater challenge is to realize that we, the civil society, is being asked a question - and a tough one too. We cannot answer it without stooping down to the level of these barbarians - and destroying our own value system in the bargain. If we do get down to their level to answer this challenge, its a propaganda victory for them. If we don't, we are doomed to die. The interesting part is that they are the ones who have set the rules of this game (suicide bombings and innocent killings) and we have no choice but to relinquish our values to survive. Either way, the war cannot be won without a cost. And the fundamental fraud foisted on the public is to claim we can have war without horror, conduct an intelligence war without dishonesty and cunning and obtain victory without sacrifice. Our dilemma reminds me of some dialogues from the latest Batman flick - the Dark Knight - which in my opinion demonstrated the human behaviour brilliantly:

"Alfred Pennyworth: A long time ago, I was in Burma, my friends and I were working for the local government. They were trying to buy the loyalty of tribal leaders by bribing them with precious stones. But their caravans were being raided in a forest north of Rangoon by a bandit. So we went looking for the stones. But in six months, we never found anyone who traded with him. One day I saw a child playing with a ruby the size of a tangerine. The bandit had been throwing them away.
Bruce Wayne: Then why steal them?
Alfred Pennyworth: Because he thought it was good sport. Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
[later in the film]
Bruce Wayne: The bandit in Burma, did you catch him?
Alfred Pennyworth: Yes.
Bruce Wayne: How?
Alfred Pennyworth: We burned the forest down."

"Batman: What did you do?
The Joker: I took Gotham's white knight, and brought him down to our level. It wasn't hard. Y'see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little...push."

How true and how easy. Just a little push...question is how do you resist it?